If you go out on the Internet and look at the chances of success for staying married, you will run into some sobering statistics. The failure rate for first marriages is about 45%, for second marriages it is 60%, and for third marriages it jumps up to 75%. You would think that second and third marriages would be more successful, not less. After all, shouldn’t the spouses learn from their mistakes and not repeat them? What happens that the numbers go up instead of down?
We all know the standard vows that go into a marriage at the start. The minister has us repeat those promises about sticking together through all of the good times and bad times. Pre-marital counseling and courses teach about finances, sex, adjusting to a new lifestyle, getting along with in-laws, and keeping God in the marriage and making Him the third member. In short, how to work together to start this new life called a marriage. Not much time is spent on what happens after a few years together. Maybe there should be a vow added that includes sticking it out through the dull and boring times, promises to not be complacent and not take each other for granted. Anyone in a dangerous or hazardous profession will tell you that complacency kills. Ask any policeman, fireman, airline pilot, or construction worker and they will all say the same thing: getting complacent on the job is a sure way to get injured or killed. Getting complacent in a marriage can also cause injury or death, except the victim is the marriage itself rather that one of the participants. It is when complacency walks in the door that commitment can stroll out, commitment to spouse, commitment to self, commitment to God. Complacency and lack or loss of commitment leads to becoming a divorce statistic.
So, how about the second time around, or the third? There was a movie and a Frank Sinatra song called “The Second Time Around.” They depicted the idea that, if the first marriage failed, the second was true bliss, all of the problems were solved and the couple lived happily ever after. The statistics in the first paragraph clearly show this is not the case, not with a 60% divorce rate for second-timers, or the 75% for third-timers. The obvious answer is the couples see the same pattern being repeated and aren’t willing to stick around. They are complacent in their thinking, assuming that the problems from the prior marriage miraculously fixed themselves and their commitment broke down. The second, or third, divorce is easier than the first. So another marriage dies and adds to the heap of broken dreams, broken marriages, and broken lives.
Could there be another factor hiding there, something subtle, something that exists at the start of those repeats that leads to yet another failure? Remember, 55% of all first marriages SUCCEED! It is the repeat marriages that fail at those sad rates. How about this? A person going into the second or third marriage thinks this time is going to be the real deal, this one is going to last, but, this time the commitment level isn’t the first marriage’s 100%. This time maybe it is 99.999%, or less; and the third timers are maybe 99.5% committed. That is enough to poison the marriage from the beginning, just those small pieces, like having a little toe part of the way out the door, “just in case it doesn’t work out.”
Just think what would happen if, on the marriage day, couples said to each other that they were 110% committed to the marriage. Not 100%, but 110% committed to each other, to the marriage, and that God was going to be an active part of their commitment, to help them when they needed to maintain that level. What if they pledged to ignore the petty annoyances and see their spouse’s goodness instead? People have gotten divorces over toothpaste tubes being squeezed in the middle or toilet paper being mounted the wrong way. Individuals have faults and habits that annoy others, and spouses are no different. Errors, apologies, forgiveness and forgetting the past are all a part of living with another person on a daily basis. If your annoying habit or behavior starts yet another argument,
another fight, are you going to be highly motivated to change, or are you going to just feel your own
anger, resentment, and complacency? What if, instead of anger, it was met with smile, a chuckle, a
shake of the head, and something like, “Yes, I know, you are trying hard to change that…and I know you will someday succeed.”? Would that kind of statement not lead you to be more committed to fixing the problem? Which would motivate you more to change: changing because you love your spouse and are committed to his or her happiness, or because you just want to avoid another fight? What if it took a hundred attempts for your spouse to stop doing whatever bothers you? Is your effort to work on it together until success is achieved not worth the effort? This is especially true of people in second or third marriages who have had a longer lifetime of developing their own ways of doing things, their own habits, and maybe your spouse is the only person who is really bothered by what you do. If your commitment to your spouse is complete, then…shouldn’t you be willing to change your ways to protect the gift that God gave you in putting your spouse into your life?
It is simple: love and commitment, along with God’s grace and a lot of hard work, will make your
marriage successful, it will get you through the high times and the doldrums. Complacency and a lack of complete commitment, even if there is love, will ultimately lead to disaster.
What do you want your marriage to be like, anyway? Committed to success or committed to failure?
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